Palmyra Reflections: Angela Fa‘anunu

Aloha kākou,

Nainoa (Thompson, PVS lead navigator) told us that we would come back from changed, that voyaging changes your life.  I didn't know what he meant until we came back from Palmyra.  That first week back was tough.  I felt like a wild animal let lose in a world where I didn't belong.  I felt like my body was here physically, but my mind was not… it was out there-somewhere in the ocean… way out there.  At night, I'd be on the prowl, looking for a spot where I could be far away from everything man-made.  I'd drive around at night looking for stars, for the moon.  One day, I just broke down and cried.  I drove to Lāna‘i Lookout, found a crevice in the rocks down at the bottom, and lay there for the longest time.  My view was all ocean and sky from left to right with flocks of birds skimming the surface looking for food.  The wind was howling.  I felt much better. 

With everyday that passes, I feel that the magic of the experience is slipping away as I slowly get back to the rhythm of my everyday life.  But, my mind never stops thinking.  Since the voyage, my mind has been occupied with so many thoughts.  Thoughts about my life.  About who I am and what matters most to me.  About what kind of life I want.  What I want to do to make a difference.  What I want to do in my own community. 

I thought a lot about home.  About my responsibilities to my family and to the place that nurtured and brought me up.  About my responsibilities as a Tongan.  Being on Palmyra reminded me of Tonga and of why I came here – in pursuit of an education, for a better life.  I thought a lot about my village, about my grandmother, about a life that is still self-sufficient and unusual in today's modern world.  I thought about my elementary school up on the hill in Tu‘anekivale, the first school that shaped who I am.  I reminisce and I yearn to go back. 

I want to go back there and teach.  To share what I have learned outside of Tonga with kids in the village.  I want them to be able to walk down the road at night, look up at the sky, and see the stars how their grandfathers saw them for centuries before them.  To remember that once we were great navigators and ocean people.  To stand at the cliffs behind our village on a full moon and know that we are watching her – Hina combing her hair-rise in Hikina.  I want them to feel that sense of wonder looking up to the sky and understanding where they are, their sense of place in this world relative to everything else.  Most of all, I want them to open their eyes and really see the world around them, to appreciate their own ways of doing things and to be proud who they are. 

I reflect on my experience and I feel gratitude that no words can express.  To Bruce, Nainoa, my awesome crew, and everybody who allowed me and gave me this wonderful experience, I am thankful.  The conversations, your mana‘o, jokes, laughter, dreams, and moments that you all shared, made this an experience of a lifetime for me.

Photo: Angela Fa‘anunu